TODAY, AS TOMORROW

The past few days, my classes were cancelled due to my professors going on meetings and sickness. So I have been leaving the house later in the afternoon for my late classes, and would come home early because of unexpected class cancellations. When I come home from school early, I feel a bit guilty somehow, because I have that mentality from knowing that my parents pay for my schooling, so I don't want them to think I am wasting that away by coming home. But it's not even my fault that classes are cancelled. I don't know, I worry too much about things that is out of my control.

Speaking of things that's out of my control, lately I have been feeling a wave of emotions rushing through my mind. Mostly, the lonesomeness of being alone. I have never had a boyfriend, and I don't really care much for love. I've become a little less enthusiastic each time I think I like someone but I had to end up letting them go because the time and place are wrong.

Now, even when I feel an attraction towards someone, I start to question myself... Am I making this seem more than it really is? Maybe he doesn't even feel any attraction towards me? Maybe because of being a dreamer, I tend to romanticize reality. I just don't know anymore. Then I would think, what if I was in a relationship, would I be content, or do I want more because of my nature to want more out of life? I love change, and I am ready for any changes. But that's for life. What if in love, changes doesn't apply. And by changes, I mean your feelings for that person, should stay as how you feel about them on the first day.

I guess I am just scared to hurt anybody, I always want happiness for other people, but then what about me? I don't wanna get hurt too. I just have too many thoughts pulling me in different directions. Sometimes I think I would just leave someone way before they leave me in fear of sadness. I don't like to be too happy because I think if you are too happy now, you will be just as sad later. What if I am content, will the other person be content with me too?! Will I be enough for them to be faithful and really love me and mean it? I have a cynical view on love, yet I love listening to sad love songs. I'm naturally drawn towards fleeting things.

Also, I wholeheartedly wish I could be simple. I am anything but simple. I hate giving in to all these materialistic things in life, and I hate being a slave to money, a piece of paper. I want to be free of all these thoughts and lead a simple and happy life. I have a lot of questions about my existence, and why we are here, etc... why do we work so hard to make money, then spend it, and repeat until we die. And what happens after we die? nothing?! I don't get it sometimes. We exists to find love and then have trouble maintaining relationships then go seek help on how to make a better relationship. Is the connection and bond between 2 people so important? I guess I don't know because I never had one... and I wonder if I ever will.